I share my own mom guilt associated with breastfeeding failure and discuss the myth that nursing comes naturally to all women.
I’ve watched a lot of women breastfeed. It never looked fun, but it did look relatively easy. My girlfriends would so effortlessly pick their kids up, blindly pop them under their nursing cover, and carelessly prop them up with a single arm, using the other to sip coffee or eat their lunch. I assumed there would be a bit of a learning curve, sure. But breastfeeding is always celebrated as being natural and inherent, both for baby and for mom, it couldn’t possibly take too much effort and mom guilt to figure it out. Until it took everything in me and more.
My Mom Guilt and Breastfeeding Failure Story
Before baby arrived, I was prepared AF. I spent all of my time listening to podcasts, reading books, texting my doula a MILLION questions, and watching YouTube videos on latching. I dreamt about that first latch after baby and my skin to skin (see my story on my birth plan here), and had built it up to be a magical, beautiful moment suspended in time. Baby looking into my eyes, nestled tightly against my breast, solidifying a bond I had built and dreamed about for the past 9 months and beyond (AKA, no mom guilt in the picture). But that’s not really what happened.
Our first “latch” right after delivery wasn’t effortless, at all. Cue the mom guilt. It was awkward, quick and I guess just “good enough” since baby wasn’t expected to need any real nourishment from me right away after birth. And honestly, because I had lost so much blood (and was TOTALLY delirious), I barely remember it at all. What I do remember are all of my (MANY) my attempts at breastfeeding in the days and weeks to come.
After my doula went home, I was basically left to try to figure out breastfeeding myself every time E cried. Let’s just say it didn’t go so well. Poor E screamed the ENTIRE night at the hospital (kudos to my hubby for holding the little bean so mom over here could sleep), probably because he was hangry AF. Every attempt I made to put him on the breast was met with a total meltdown. I ended up having to have the nurse hand-express my breast at 2 AM, meaning she had to forcefully squeeze my nipple for about 40 minutes at a time. FML. All that pain for about a teaspoon of the coveted colostrum for babe (aka. the early thick breast milk). Parents reading this right now can probably relate to this level of mom guilt.
It was already such a struggle, but I had high hopes for my breastfeeding potential. We had a group breastfeeding class the next day and I was an eager student!
Fast forward to the hospital tutorial where we were all told a kitchy story about the boob being a restaurant (the “breastaurant”) and the milk being the waiter and when the waiter takes his sweet ass time, the customer (my baby) gets pissed. Talk about mom guilt! The lactation consultant then came around and attempted to get everyones baby latched but when she got to me, she said, “your baby is too mucus-y to want to eat.” Yes, E did sound like a English bull dog for the first few weeks of life because he was congested to the max. She then gave him a little saline in his nose and moved onto the next kid. So yah, I still didn’t know what the fuck I was doing.
You got this, Abbey, I told myself constantly, he’s just a little congested. This will get easier once that clears up. Until, again, it didn’t.
We went home later that day and after dealing with terrible mom guilt, super bad nipple pain and a very distraught hangry baby, I picked up my phone and called the first lactation consultant on my list. Yes, I had a pre-meditated list. Being super prepared and type A, I had gathered a list of recommended LC’s from my mom Facebook group for these exact types of emergencies. Miraculously, the LC agreed to come out and see me first thing the next morning, even driving through a terrible ice storm (yes, in April – #Canada).
That night, I was up constantly trying (and failing) to breastfeed little E. He just wasn’t latching. He just wouldn’t stop crying. And while the nurse showed me how to hand-express, I just could never get enough.
I gave into the mom guilt and I ended up having to supplement using formula. My heart broke a bit. Okay, so it broke a lot.
Publicly ask me if there’s any shame in formula feeding and I will scream out, “HELL NO, FED IS BEST!” But when I was left feeling like yet again, my body was failing to do what it was designed to do (echoes from my infertility IVF experience), I couldn’t help but feel a wave of mom guilt. But it was just night two, and my milk wasn’t even expected to be “in” quite yet. It was surely just a matter of time. Plus, help was on the way!
My first LC session started with news I truly feared – poor E had a tongue and lip tie, and they were pretty severe. If you’re not familiar with these terms, open your mouth and feel the little frenulum (piece of tissue) that connects the bottom of your tongue to the bottom of your mouth. When you have a tongue tie, this tissue is so tight that it can prevent proper movement of the tongue (something that’s really important during breastfeeding). Ditto for the lip tie except it keeps the lip from flaring out (again, a key element of a good solid breastfeeding latch). I was definitely upset by the news, but not all that surprised. I had a lip tie that had to be cut when I was 13 and about to get braces, so I knew this was something I planned to get checked out even before I was experiencing breastfeeding struggles. After the diagnosis, we then spent about 2 1/2 painful (literally, really fucking painful) hours trying to get E to latch using different holds. After hours of listening to him scream and fuss, we gave up, and just hand expressed. It was completely miserable and totally exhausting, but the worst was yet to come. I told the LC I had had to supplement with formula to get us through the previous night, and I got the response I feared most – “Oh…” Talk about mom guilt!
I felt like the worst mom ever and I was only a day in.
Between the hormones, exhaustion, the pain and the mom guilt of feeling like I was failing at breastfeeding, I literally just cried the whole night. I cried multiple times over the next week as well, all because I just couldn’t seem to do what I believed was supposedly so “natural” for me to do. I couldn’t get the baby to latch, so I was pumping every hour and a half and bottle feeing. But even with all of that effort, I couldn’t even seem to make enough milk. My femininity and role as a woman and mother was in question. My whole sense of self-worth was quickly slipping away.
And while I was busy judging myself, I had additional mom guilt about what people would think. The first time I went out with E and brought his (pumped milk) in a bottle, I was sure I was being judged by every other woman around me. Every time someone would congratulate me on the little one and ask me how I was, the next question in line was always “are you breastfeeding?” It would take everything in me to try not to cry as I had to admit that we were doing our best. Would they think I’m lazy? Vain? Selfish? Unmotherly?
My Personal Challenges with Breastfeeding and Mom Guilt
It turns out that I was set up for challenges with breastfeeding from the start. Not only was baby E’s lip and tongue tie an issue (which still caused issues after their release due to an arched palate formed in utero because of the ties), but having PCOS and a postpartum hemorrhage meant a reduced (and delayed) milk supply.
When I was finally able to pump enough milk for E (with three days where I was even able to bank about 3 oz a shot), he would go through another growth spirt and cluster feed all day long. I found find myself, yet again, drowning (and supplementing) again. My hubby would remind me what an amazing job I was doing and how insignificant that little bit of supplemented formula was, but I felt an overwhelming wave of mom guilt and shame every single time.
Over the course of just three weeks I had spent 8 hours with two different LCs, had taken E for two separate oral surgeries (one to release the tongue, and then another for the lip), and spent 2 more hours with an osteopath in hopes of improving his latch. Yet E wasn’t properly on the breast.
I also was doing everything I possibly could on my end to improve my milk supply. I was taking fenugreek, garlic and Mother’s Milk supplements twice a day, drinking Mother’s Milk tea three times a day, pumping every 1 1/2 hours until my nipples were red and raw, eating all the boob foods (oatmeal, flax, carrots, apricots, almonds, asparagus, brewers yeast and more) and going to weekly acupuncture. Still I couldn’t keep up to my little hungry hippo. It wasn’t until I started taking Domperidone that I started to see some improvements in my supply (and even my dose of that had to be increased to keep up).
When I wrote this blog post, I was still feeling so much mom guilt. I was barely keeping a float on the supply (and still working my ass off every day and night just to stay out of the weeds), and only managing a few minutes per breast before the pain became unbearable and I would have to swap out the bottle for the boob. Some days, it would be a real struggle to not get down on myself, but here’s what I’ve learned in the process.
Learning the Hard Way About Mom Guilt and the Myth That Nursing Comes Naturally to Moms
We spend so much time preparing women for child birth, but what I’ve learned is that is literally the easy part. It’s also just like a few hours to a day worth of work. Breastfeeding, on the other hand, I have learned is CONSTANT work. Days, weeks, maybe months. We need to start investing in our preparation for those potential challenges and it starts with recognizing the myth that breastfeeding comes naturally to all of us parents. That is BS. Here are some things I’ve learned about mom guilt that have helped me and may also help you get through when you feel like your failing at breastfeeding.
Don’t Ask Someone If They Are Breastfeeding Their Child
You never know what their story is, and what their rationale is for how they choose to feed their baby. It’s also none of your damn business.
Fed is Truly Best
There were days when I felt like I was getting behind on my milk and part of me was trying to mom guilt myself into believing that maybe he needed less (so I wouldn’t have to supplement with formula). But had I did that, E wouldn’t have grown as beautifully as he has (our pediatrician was THRILLED with his weight gain), and ultimately, that’s what really matters.
Remember: Happy Healthy Mom, Happy Healthy Baby
What’s “best” for baby is not just about probiotics and the nutrient composition of their diet. It’s also about the parents being in a good place too. There were days that trying to breastfeed and pumping every hour on the hour was NOT what was best for my wellbeing and mental state. It often meant I wouldn’t leave the house out of mom guilt that I wasn’t pumping as much as I “could”. Letting go of the reigns a bit and allowing myself to just do what I comfortably could meant a happier mom who could more effectively take care of her baby.
Remind Yourself How Amazing Science and Technology Is
Much the same way I had to come to terms with the idea that modern science was going to enable me to conceive and carry this child, I had to ignore my mom guilt and remind myself that that same amazing technology was going to help me support the growth of my child. Despite what crunchy granola parents may have you believe on forums and Facebook groups, formula isn’t poison. It saves millions of babies lives and may be the key to helping yours thrive. We are so amazingly lucky to have these options.
Know That Breastfeeding is a Relationship That Takes Time (and Sometimes Just Doesn’t Work Out)
Breastfeeding doesn’t come naturally, even if it is supposedly a natural phenomenon (and pretty amazing once you really know all of the mechanics of it). It may take days, weeks, or even months to find your groove (I’m still trying to keep this in mind myself), and if you don’t, then that is totally okay too. Our relationship with our babe is made up of millions of little tiny relationships, breastfeeding is just one small piece of the pie.
Reframe Your Situation as a Positive
While I definitely had to grieve the loss of my expectation that I would have this special easy “natural” breastfeeding experience with my son, bottle-feeding actually has some SERIOUS perks. It meant that I could leave my child with a caregiver, family member or (shocker!!), my VERY capable husband without the mom guilt that he won’t get fed because he will only take a breast. Honestly, I cannot imagine the anxiety I would have had if I had to be tethered to E all day and night. It also meant my husband not only can split the childcare responsibilities with me 50/50 (and not to brag, but he’s amazing and he does), but it also meant that he got to bond with E just as much as I did in those early months. A lot of dads describe feeling really useless and left out when mom exclusively breastfeeds their babe so I was so happy I could give him that experience.
Be Compassionate
Be compassionate to yourself and other parents who may be experiencing mom guilt. I will say that one of the beautiful things that came out of my own struggle with breastfeeding is that I was able to recognize my own deep-seeded prejudice against the choices mothers make on how they choose to feed their babies. While I used to see a woman buying a box of formula and unconsciously judge that choice, I now look at her with compassion, comradery and just so much respect. We’re all just doing the best we can for our babies and we do that because we love them.
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I would love to hear your own thoughts about mom guilt and breastfeeding failure. Leave me a comment below and share this with a mom who is struggling with her own breastfeeding and mom guilt journey!
MORE BLOG POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
If you liked this blog post discussing mom guilt and my breastfeeding story, then you might also enjoy more blog posts on pregnancy and motherhood:
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- Pregnancy Food Safety | Foods to Avoid While Pregnant
- Do Certain Foods Really Help Morning Sickness
- Not Losing Weight Breastfeeding? Does Breastfeeding Cause Weight Loss or Weight Gain?
Updated on October 20th, 2022
Abbey Sharp is a Registered Dietitian (RD), regulated by the Ontario College of Dietitians. She is a mom, YouTuber, Blogger, award winning cookbook author, media coach specializing in food and nutrition influencers, and a frequent contributor to national publications like Healthline and on national broadcast TV shows.
Rehoboth says
Nice post
Bernita says
I have a similar breastfeeding story and and reading yours brought it all back. While I do agree that fed is best, I still feel that message doesn’t fully capture the benefits to breastfeeding your baby. But given how incredibly difficult it can be, how can we help women make it through? My daughter and I did not get painlessly latched on until about 3-4 months. There is a lot of bleeding, tears, and post partum depression between birth and 3-4 months. I was a dietitian with 12 years of training in breastfeeding promotion and support with a doula, a midwife, 2 lactation consultants, and a great pediatricians and I barely made it day to day. My experience made me humbled to the difficulty women face.
froleprotrem says
Its like you read my mind! You appear to know a lot about this, like you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you could do with a few pics to drive the message home a bit, but other than that, this is fantastic blog. A great read. I’ll certainly be back.
Laura says
Whole generations of mothers in the 20th century unapologetically bottle-fed their babies formula from day one. Back then, breastfeeders were the oddity.
Breastfeeding is not as crucial as the modern-day brainwashers want you to believe. What you and your son mean to each other is what matters. As long as you’re alive, the light will change for him whenever you enter the room. Something inside him will automatically say: “Love, safety, and comfort are here and everything’s okay.” The last thing he’s going to be thinking about throughout your lives together is whether you breastfed him in infancy! There is no need for guilt of any kind! Forget your breasts and concentrate on being thankful that you even have a child. You were able to experience pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. That’s not a given in this world either. Some women can’t have children at all, much less breastfeed!
Melissa says
I remember when my daughter was born I was so excited to breastfeed, and then the birth plan went out the window. I had to have a c section after being induced for 33 hours, epidural failed, and pushed for 3 hours. I was exhausted. All I wanted was sleep and I remember feeling bombarded by nurses and random hospital staff coming in and out of my room. My family visited for 3 days while I was recovering, basically it was a family reunion. Looking back it was sweet, but I wanted to scream and yell at everyone to get the hell out so I could sleep for longer than 30 minutes. Breast feeding in the hospital was a disaster. My daughter ended up losing 14% of her body weight because I had delayed milk supply, which no one told me could happen after a c section. My daughter screamed non stop because poor thing was starving and there was nothing I could do to calm her down. We started supplementing and she was a natural at it. We kept trying to breast feed but literally everytime I tried to get her to latch she was scream like I was hurting her. I felt awful and like the worst mom. My husband kept encouraging me to breast feed but I hated it. My nipples were so sore and raw, and the constant pain was driving me to hysterics. Then a week after being out of the hospital, I was admitted for a infection from the c section. I had to have a CAT scan and was told by the tech I would have to pump for 24 hours before I could breast feed again. At that point I was done. I literally said f*ck breast is best. I’m tired! I was going to be hooked up to IV antibiotics for 3 days straight and away from my 1 week old baby. I was already dealing with ppd, and I was not going to let anyone make me feel guilty about not breast feeding her. Mom health is just as important as baby health after birth. I could feel myself losing my sanity and something needed to give. My daughter is now a happy and healthy 7 month old, who’s been bottled feed since day one, and she’s thriving! She started solid foods and loves her veggies (not by my doing). I don’t regret choosing to not breast feed. Sometimes I wonder if I missed out, but I don’t let myself wander down that path very far. My husband has an amazing bond with her, and part of that is him being able to feed her when she was little. They’re thick as thieves and it fills my heart with such joy. Fed is best! Anyone who says otherwise is a damn liar, and I’ll stand up for any mom who is being shamed to believe otherwise. My favorite quote which has put motherhood into perspective is this: “There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one”
Abbey Sharp says
Thanks for sharing, Melissa 🙂
Amanda S says
Hi Abbey,
I just came across your post as I just found out my baby can’t breastfeed. I don’t have same story as some of the ladies here, but I do feel the mommy failure guilt thing. My baby boy will be 3 weeks tomorrow. We just found out last week that my baby can’t take my breast milk because of my anti seizure medication. The poor thing develops a skin rash all over his little body. At least I was able to breastfeed him for 12 days, but I think that’s what hurts the most. I was on the medication throughout the entire pregnancy, everything with him was fine and he came out as a healthy baby boy, all 10 fingers and 10 toes. But the fact that I am able to produce but can’t feed it to him or else his little liver will suffer is like a dagger to the heart. To think that the last time I fed him would be the last.
Abbey Sharp says
Oh mama I so can identify with that feeling. It’s so hard not to feel guilty but do know that taking care of your health is actually the best thing you can do for him, not breast milk. You’ve done amazing and should be so proud!
Faith C. says
Hello Abbey,
I am a mom of a 7week old boy. I felt a bit happy coming across your post and reading about the turns of breast feeding. My biggest heartache is that I was never really able to breastfeed my baby, a teaspoon of milk is the most I was able to get out and same crying and fussy baby because of that. They said he has tongue tie and couldnt latch properly but with COVID times I’d better keep him safe and stay at home. I turned to bottle feed to make sure he gets his nutrition but dreamt of the breastmilk my baby was supposed to have even for a while. I dont know if I can still get my breastmilk going. I have a pump and ate all these lactation cookies even store bought and had soups etc to enhance breastmilk but failed. Still wondering and hoping
Abbey Sharp says
It’s possible but do not beat yourself up! I also had a really hard time. You could try speakign to your doctor about domperidone.
Mags says
Faith and Abbey I was so relieved to read both your experiences. Faith I too struggled to increase my milk and my baby girl is 3 months old now and I’m still trying but I think it’s time to give up and just love my baby every way I can. This covid situation has made life stressful enough with a new baby and my partners two boys in lockdown with us for the past 5 months I’m only now realising putting myself under so much stress and pressure to maintain a teaspoon of milk every day to give my baby isn’t worth it anymore. It’s time to just love her
Jo says
Thank you for your post. I am sitting here hugging my sleeping 7 week old, trying to get the energy up to pump again. It is painful and demotivating. The birth was traumatic, after 30+hours of labor I had a 3rd degree tear. With the medication for the operation I only held little M for about a minute before passing out. Due to Covid I have no family around aside from hubby plus as I moved to a new city already pregnant, in March, no real friends. My milk only came in about 4/5 days later so she was bottle fed. The pressure to breastfeed in hospital was terrible I literally had a nurse shout at me for asking for a bottle. She is thriving on formula which is supplemented by my milk. This is the first week I am almost pain free, and fully mobile, yet I still feel guilty for not being able to breastfeed.
Abbey Sharp says
i hear you mama!! its so hard. and shame on the hospital for making you feel guilty. fed is best period.
Kristin says
Hi Abbey,
Thanks so much for this. My mom breastfed me and my brother until we were toddlers so I never thought that I *couldn’t* be able to exclusively breastfeed. I struggled so hard (bad latching literally made my nipples bleed) and my baby lost 11% body weight in the first 3 days. So I had to supplement and I combo fed for 3 months before switching over to formula exclusively. I tried my best but I just couldn’t keep up 30 minutes of breastfeeding followed by 10-15 minutes of formula every few hours. I was going BONKERS. Formula literally saved my baby’s life but I still feel so guilty and anxious when I’m out shaking up a bottle.
What makes me mad is that at the hospital where I took prenatal classes (Michael Garron Hospital in East Toronto). I was told explicitly that “every woman can exclusively breastfeed for the first 6 months” if they only try hard enough. Now I’ve heard up to 15% of women can’t make enough milk and need to supplement. Where was that information? Thanks for making me feel like crap MGH!
I was wondering, would you do a video talking objectively about the nutritional benefits of formula? And the advantages/challenges of it compared to pumping/exclusively breastfeeding? There’s so much out there about breastmilk, but I feel like formula doesn’t have much out there, especially from professionals like you. And what is out there demonizes formula so much that it makes us moms feel like failures for using it.
Thanks again for your story. Baby E is lucky to have you as his mama <3
Abbey Sharp says
Hi Kristin! Thats a great idea I will keep it in mind 🙂 thanks
Lisa says
Wow, you have NO idea how much I needed to find this blog on your breastfeeding struggles. I struggled with breastfeeding my now 7 year old Daughter and grappled with horrible guilt that I had to start supplementing with formula. My daughter was almost 3 weeks early so I chalked up my milk supply issues and her latch issues to that. Seven years later I got pregnant again, totally by surprise as I’m 42 and my husband is now 50. I worried incessantly during almost the entire pregnancy since my age put both baby and I at risk for a number of possible complications. Surprise- everything with the pregnancy went without a hitch. I hydro-birthed my son at 40 1/2 weeks at a birth center unmedicated this past February 2020 and I felt like a super hero! I was discharged that same day with a report that stated my baby had a good latch and that breastfeeding was successful. The days that followed were anything but successful. We found out weeks later he was severely lip tied which explained why his latch was so shallow and the excruciating pain I was in that first few days. Cracked, bleeding nipples, it felt like razor blades. My husband went out and bought nipple shields which allowed my nipples to heal within a few days but they were so awkward to use and constantly slipping off during feeding. Almost 2 weeks after his birth we took him to the pediatricians who reported he’d lost over 16oz in only a week. I was shocked and horrified. I fed him on demand. As it turns out nipple shields don’t transfer milk nearly as well as bare nipples. The pediatrician strongly advised we start supplementing with formula before he loses any more weight. For me this was the beginning of the end of my breastfeeding relationship with my son. I was heartbroken. This was not supposed to happen AGAIN. Within a few days of taking formula feeds my son started to fill out again but breastfeeding also started turning into a major struggle. I turned to my midwife practice that saw me through my pregnancy and birth. They were little help as every single one of them had multiple children all of whom they breastfed through 1-2 years old. I turned to a lactation consultant, another big mistake. I turned to fenugreek, blessed thistle, moringa, brewers yeast, and drank gallons of water a day thinking I just wasn’t drinking enough water. We took care of his lip tie at the ENT, that was heartbreaking. We tried using a supplemental nursing system. That was awkward and didn’t work as well as the LC said it was supposed to. I continued to offer him my breast several times a day but he’d push it out of his mouth after only a minute or two and make a face like the milk was sour. It wasn’t. He’d just gotten used to the flow of the bottle and supply simply couldn’t keep up. I was to the point I was pumping literally around the clock, getting maybe 2 hours of sleep at one time. I cried everyday. I felt…I feel, like a total failure. I’m supposed to be able to do this. I compare myself to every woman I know who had a baby, she breastfed, why am I so inept that I can’t?? To add insult to injury I managed to give myself mastitis. Mastitis?? I am barely squeezing out 3-4 ounces a day, what was the point? The midwife practice was very surprised I got mastitis given how low my supply was as that point. I saw a lot of myself in your story. I don’t have PCOS and I didn’t hemorrhage like you. I was later tested for my prolactin levels and the test confirmed what I already thought. I was on the way low end of normal. Meaning any lower and I would be pumping dust. My dream was to breastfeed all day, all my baby weight would magically slip right off, and I’d be able to scoff at formula. None of that happened. In fact we have to buy the most expensive formula on the market, like we did with our daughter, because of a milk protein allergy. My mental health was and still is slipping due to my feelings of inadequacy and inability to feed my son what I know is the only thing he’s supposed to eat. My poor husband has done everything he can to reassure me I’m a rockstar, take care of a newborn while I weep, keep our 7 year old busy while she’s out of school right now, and take care of the housework. He’s the rockstar. I’m the failure. But when I look into my son’s now plump face I know we did the right thing. I’m still hanging on to pumping even though I hate it and I’m literally only pumping enough to feed him at night. I’m disgusted with myself that I’ve lost very little weight since birth even though breastfeeding was SUPPOSED to make that happen. I’m ready to grab a head of cabbage and call it a day. I just can’t yet. I feel like giving up on breastfeeding my son is giving up on giving him the golden elixir of life…that my body just can’t seem to produce enough of. Thank you for sharing your story. I do feel way less alone. I’m out of work right now anyways so that time off has definitely helped. Looking forward to when he starts solids.
Robin says
Thank you! My daughter is 5 months old and we have had significant challenges. I spent a lot of time with a breastfeeding doctor in the first few weeks. We had a bad latch, bleeding nipples, and vasospasms. Just when things started to settle down and feeding seemed to be improving my daughter started to fight burps and would scream and cry every burp or spit up. It got so bad she wouldn’t sleep laying down (right after a feed or not). Reflux was now our challenge (thanks family history) but we got medication and that got under control. We had a tiny window where she would latch and feed happily with no pain or discomfort for either of us. A couple weeks ago she started fighting feeds during the day (still bursing at night). I’ve never had issues with supply but now the breastfeeding doctor isn’t sure if it’s distraction, bottle preference, or late onset decrease in supply. I’ve spent hours crying and feeling like a failure. Before she was born we talked about Fed is best and I really thought I’d be okay with giving bottles (formula or expressed breastmilk), especially since I knew she’d need to take a bottle from dad while I was in classes on the weekend. Not sure why the guilt is so intense. Reading about someone else’s struggles help me see I’m not alone and also help me see the compassion I have for others and helps me try to be compassionate with myself. Thanks again for sharing and mentioning that mom’s mental health is really important too.
Abbey Sharp says
Hey Robin, thank you so much for sharing your struggles with us. At the end of the day, us moms need to also put our health first just like our baby’s.
Melissa says
Thank you SO much for this! My supply couldn’t keep up with my little ones demand after about a month. I just couldn’t produce enough no matter what. I tried everything everyone told me… “Keep her on and you’ll produce more, take this pill, power pump!”. After trying for three months all of these things, and my nipples starting to look like pinky’s, i just counldn’t do it anymore for the sake of my sanity. I’ve felt so guilty, like I’ve failed her. But reading this just confirms fed IS best and not to beat myself up! Everyone has a story! Formula is not failing!
Abbey Sharp says
Yes! You got it
Susan Watson says
Thanks for sharing Abbey! I think as RD’s we take it more personally. I think there is some weird expectation that we’ve promoted BF so we have to practice what we preach. But with GDM and a belly birth my milk never fully came in. Domperidone was a life saver, but I was only able to pump 6 oz a day. Supplementing was the only option. I felt I had to explain myself to every BF Momma out there. I had to convince everyone that I did try every tea & herb out there. I’ve only recently heard people promote “fed is best” and I wish someone told me that 7 years ago. You are doing a great job! Pumping is way harder too!
Abbey Sharp says
YES! Totally agree. We’ve definitely come a long way/ Thanks for sharing Susan
Allison says
Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, was unprepared for just how challenging and emotionally taxing trying to breastfeed can be. We had an early baby with a NICU stay, he was small and sleepy and bottle fed with donor milk from day 1 in the NICU. I also had a PPH, and between that and the fact that my baby was not with me and not latching had supply issues. I, too, started taking domperidone and pumping day and night. When my baby finally came home we began an 8-week journey of working on latching, bottle feeding, and pumping around the clock. It was a struggle to get out of the house, because by the time I had finished the “feeding routine,” it was time to start all over again. My mental health began to suffer. I felt great sadness at the loss of the breastfeeding experience I had hoped for for me and my son. I think I also lost some perspective and had become obsessed with the commitment to pumping / breast milk (which is funny… I was formula fed, just like so many people our age). At the same time, I hated pumping and the time it took away from my baby. Around 10-weeks I made the difficult decision to stop pumping. Although I still feel a twinge of sadness when I’m surrounded by breastfeeding moms, my life has been so much better since we switched to formula. I am a happier mom and have much more time to enjoy my (healthy and happy!) baby.
Abbey Sharp says
Hey Allison, so glad you found a strategy that worked for you and is less stressful and you are much happier. Sometimes we have to make those decisions and put our own health first. Thanks so much for sharing 🙂
Angela Cardamone @marathonsandmotivation.com says
Great post Abbey! Being a new Mom is stressful enough and then feeling judged about breast feeding is so personal and hard!! I had to supplement my breast feeding with formula initially when my son was born. His blood sugar was low and he was on an IV drip to keep it level. The doctor told me that once my milk came in, he would be fine and would not need the IV…. I’m a nurse, so I came up with the plan to give him formula until my milk came in so he did not have to stay in the hospital on the IV drip. Honestly, I look back at the experience and can not believe that it was not suggested by anyone. This was 12 years ago, but it was such taboo for them to suggest I supplement with formula, which was completely absurd!! Anyway, you are doing a great job and Congratulations on your precious baby!!
Abbey Sharp says
That’s crazy! We’ve surely come a long way! Thanks for sharing Angela
Natalie says
OMG thank you so much for talking about this in such an honest and open way. Unfortunately I had to stop breastfeeding due to lack of milk – probably because of stress I felt after giving birth to my baby. I felt horrible for not being able to breastfeed like OTHER moms. I felt like I was not a good mother. I was so lost. It bothered me for a while then I just moved on. You know what?! … It’s just breastfeeding. If we fail at that it doesn’t mean we a failure moms. We just need to relax and enjoy being mother in so many other ways. 😉
Abbey Sharp says
YES! Totally agree. Couldn’t have said it better! Thanks for sharing Natalie
Jaclyn says
I can’t believe how much guilt I felt for supplementing my baby with a few ml of formula while waiting to establish my milk supply! I’m also a dietitian and for some reason thought that I was failing if I had to give my baby formula. Just terrible that we convince ourselves of this. Fed is best!
We had a relatively smooth breastfeeding experience after my milk came in and we got the hang of it. But I had terrible anxiety around pumping because I could pump maybe 2 ounces in half an hour, and being my babies only source of food. Things became so much easier when we supplemented with formula and I realized she would be perfectly fine and healthy having both. A mother’s mental and physical health is a huge factor in breastfeeding. If we aren’t healthy and taking care of ourselves it only makes the situation worse. That was my biggest lesson!
Thanks for sharing, you’re definitely not alone!
Abbey Sharp says
Love that lesson. We tend to focus solely on our babe’s health and forget about ours! Thanks for the reminder Jaclyn 🙂